"You're single? Oh." [awkward pause, pity in the eyes] "Have you ever tried on-line dating?"

Uh...[awkward pause] well....uh...yep.  I have tried on-line dating.  It's awkward.  So, of course, it merits a blog post.

First of all, you should know that this awkward moment has actually been an awkward phase of life in general, so it's brought to you in a 4 part series.  This first post is kind of raw, very vulnerable, but totally authentic.  I hope that you laugh at parts of this post (I did), and at other parts, you may actually feel pity or empathy, or a strange mixture of the two.  Just remember that this post isn't the end of the awkward moment.  It actually turns out quite hopeful (but this blog is about embracing the awkward, right?  Even if the painfully awkward moments.)

So here's the deal:  I am single.  My feelings about this relational status vary depending on the day.  Some days I relish the freedom that comes with being single.  Some days it makes me very lonely.  Some days it makes me hyper critical and frustrated.

Most of friends are married.  In my family, the only other girl who isn't married is my cousin--she's in high school.  Granted, there are more boys in my family...  The oldest boy who isn't in a serious relationship is in 7th grade.  One well meaning adult told me, "I'm sorry.  I feel like this [my being single] is my fault.  If only I had prayed harder or prayed more."  Ouch.  People say things like, "Honestly, I just don't understand why you're single."  Honestly, I don't either.

(Side note:  I do not want to discourage people from praying for me regarding future marriage and a future husband.  I welcome prayer!  Pray as you feel led.)

When I am in my relishing the freedom of singleness state, I like that I can do what I want, when I want.  I can be completely selfish with my time and other resources.  I don't have to check in with a spouse before going to coffee with a friend.  I don't have to find a babysitter to go see a movie.  I don't have to manage Christmases with two (or more) families.

When I am in the loneliness state of being single, I dread going to weddings because all I want is to have someone that will walk in with me and hold my hand.  I hate making major life decisions all alone--I just want someone to walk through them with me.  I hate scraping the ice off my windshield, shoveling my own driveway, and fixing my car.  I hate Valentine's Day and all the days preceding and following when people ask you about your "big" plans.  I dread extended family functions because I feel like the black sheep.  I dread the question, "Are you dating anyone yet?"  (For the record, I don't mind people asking me about my relational status, and actually feel cared for when close friends talk about this issue with me.  However, when someone that I don't know well or haven't seen in ages comes up and the first question they ask me is about my dating life...well, I just try to change the subject quickly.)

When I am in my hyper critical state, I mostly think the reason I am single is because I am not thin enough.  Or not pretty enough.  Or my nose is too big.  Or my thighs are too thunderous.  Or I'm not smart enough.  Too laid back.  Too quiet.  Too nerdy and awkward?  Maybe I'm not persistent enough in prayer.  Maybe I don't trust God enough.  Or maybe I'm just too critical?  I think we are generally the most critical of ourselves.  The only person more critical of us would be our mothers, right?

Recently, I believe I'm single because I'm unapproachable due to a lack of confidence.  (The Lord is revealing and healing a lot in this area, but that's a different story.)  I don't notice when a guy might be interested at me because I'm not looking around.  I'm looking down, paralyzed by my own perceived inadequacies.  And why would a guy approach a girl who doesn't seem remotely interested?  A friend and I recently determined to practice making eye contact and smiling at guys.  This sounds like the simplest, easiest thing, right?  It terrifies me.  I'm so awkward about it.  (You can pray about that, too.)

And as far as me approaching a guy?  Forgetaboutit!  Here's an inner conversation:
Brazen Self (confident woman):  See that guy over there, he's cute.  Go talk to him.
Scared-shitless Self (unconfident girl):  No!
BS:  Why not?
SS: Because then he might think I like him!
BS:  Isn't that the point?
SS:  But what if he doesn't like me?
BS:  How will you know if you don't talk to him?  Plus, what's not to like?
SS:  My hair is frizzy, my face is too shiny, my thighs rub together when I walk, I can't concentrate on what he's saying because I'm thinking about what will happen if I accidentally raise my arms and my shirt lifts up enough to reveal my muffin-top...
SS:  Plus, I can tell by powerful and keen observations that this is not a man I could marry.
BS:  Who said anything about marriage?  How do you get to marriage from just talking to a guy?  Slow down, sister.
SS:  I'm a horrible conversationalist.  What would I talk about?
BS:  Does it matter?

And so, because I wanted to grow in confidence and because I felt I had heard the phrase, "Have you tried on-line dating?  It worked for my sister's friend's cousin!" too many times, I decided to give it a try this summer.  I just didn't tell anyone (until now) because it's....well...awkward.