I'm not saying I'm old, but... I've been noticing some changes and they're kind of awkward. And I'm not so sure I'm ready to embrace them.
Like this random hair that suddenly made an appearance on my neck. What is that about?
And there's the girls. If I'm not mistaken, they are lookin' a little... deflated. I mean, I've been relying on underwire since about the 7th grade, but this is some serious pancake action. I thought this was only supposed to happen after you breastfed a baby...
Then there's the bottom half. These dimples ain't cute. I mean, I've always had a little extra cushioning down there, but there's just something that's a little more...saggy than I remember.
Oh Lord. Help me embrace these new lovable changes or belly up to the barbells...
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Part 4: The Story and Waiting
When people asked me why I didn't want to try on-line dating, I always told them that I wanted a better story. You know. Like when people ask me later in life how I met my husband, I don't want to say I met him on-line. I want a better story. I want to be able to say I met him while we were hiking in the Andes and he saved me from a fierce mountain beast or gave me his last granola bar or something equally heroic. Whatever. I just want a good story.
I've been reading Donald Miller's book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and its premise is that our lives are stories. Miller basically says, "If your life is boring, you need a better story. What are you going to do about it?" When I turned 30 this past September, I had a similar revelation. I thought, "Whoa, I'm 30. This is my life. No one else's. I can sit back and let life happen to me, or I can do something with it."
Earlier this year, I read a book by Beth Moore called So Long Insecurity. Of the many revelations that came with reading the book, I realized I was believing a lie. I believed I would be secure if I was thin and if I had a man/was married. I don't think it's wrong to want to fit into my pants and I definitely don't think it's wrong to have a desire for marriage, but it is harmful to believe that a flatter stomach or a husband will somehow make me secure. The only One who continually gives lasting security is Jesus.
After all that, sometime this past May I got fed up with waiting around for a better story. I questioned whether or not I should give on-line dating a go. I even prayed about it. And I didn't feel like I had much of a response. I was all like, "Hey. God. Could seriously use some guidance here. And plus, it's not fair--I haven't gone on a date in ages." ....(crickets)...
And so I went for it. In retrospect, I really feel like I had the Lord's permission (as weird as that sounds) to embark upon the on-line dating world. And now, as the summer is coming to a close, I think I'm done. There's nothing wrong with on-line dating and I have some good friends who are either trying it out or have met their significant other through on-line dating. But, for me, I believe the season is over. If you're going to be "successful" at it, you have to be on-line a lot and even though it's highly entertaining at times, the desire just isn't there. Maybe some day I'll go back to it, but for now, I'm closing the book.
Donald Miller's book about story has really resonated with me. Instead of "waiting" for my story to start, I'm realizing that part of my story is about waiting. But waiting isn't a spectator sport. Waiting is something I can actively approach. I feel like the Lord is showing me the purpose in waiting. I am not perfect, nor do I have to be perfect in order for God to grant me something I've been waiting for. He's not a rewards-based God. He is extravagant and gives more than we ask for or imagine. Here's the rub: I have felt for so long that this season of singleness, of waiting, was punishment. I ask, "What's wrong with me, God? Why am I still single?" For the first time, I am realizing that singleness, this period of waiting, is a gift. A gift uniquely designed for me because God knows my story and knows this time is precious.
I feel like a million light bulbs have gone off. I can enjoy this waiting season! There's so much freedom in waiting--it's not bondage. There are specific things God is showing me while I am waiting because it's the best time for me to have these learning experiences. Waiting is part of my story and my story is good and valuable and has purpose because my story was designed perfectly by God. I have no doubt that He's teaching me things through this part of my story--through the waiting.
I feel like a little girl who was shut in a dark closet. The dark closet was everything negative about waiting. And all of a sudden, I saw a crack of light under the closet door, but I was afraid to open the door, afraid to let the light in. And then, when Someone tried to open the door for me, I braced my body against the door so it wouldn't open. And then I finally listened to what He was saying. "Rachel. Hey baby girl. I haven't locked you in the closet. I want you to come out, it's lighter, brighter, and there's so much more room out here. You can stretch your legs. You don't have to be afraid. Just open the door and hold my hand."
I don't want to waste this time just waiting, hiding in the dark. If waiting truly is a gift, I want to open the gift, to revel in it and be thankful for it. I'm not saying that I suddenly love being single all the time, or that I'm never going to date, or that I suddenly love going to baby showers, but I do feel like my mindset has been radically changed.
And I've come to embrace certain things. Like the fact that my thighs will never look as good as some 20-year-old athlete's. But, they are strong. My jumbo thighs allow me to dead lift and squat a lot of weight and kind of make me a hoss. They can also carry me as I climb the Andes and run into my future husband who will hand me a granola bar after he rescues me from a ferocious mountain beast. And, my belly dancing moves are so much better because of my thighs. If you're feeling overly curvy, just take a belly-dancing class. I'm serious. You will leave feeling more feminine and more greatful for your glorious curves.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Part 3: "You're single?" [awkward pause, pity in the eyes] "Have you thought about on-line dating?"
"Hey Boobilicious." What?? Well, that's one of the messages I've received during my on-line dating adventure. On-line dating is awkward.
Before I share a few more awkward encounters, let me explain how on-line dating works. When I decided to give this a shot at the beginning of the summer, I got on eHarmony because there was some kind of special discount for the summer. Sweet. Then, I figured I'd try one of the free dating websites. Why not? It's free. So I created a profile on plentyoffish. So here's the deal--for both sites, you have to take a personality test of sorts, then you write a blurb or two about yourself. Basically, you try to make yourself sound better than you are, but in a totally authentic way. Then, if you choose to, you can upload a photo or two.
Here's how eHarmony, or "the harm", as I prefer to call it, works. They match your profile up with potential guys and then they send you like 20 matches or so on the first day. It's kind of overwhelming, but you think, "Wow! There are so many guys out there!" and you're encouraged. Until you start looking at their profiles and you realize that most of them are almost 40 and live in small towns in Missouri. (Then you start wondering what is wrong with you and where you messed up on your personality profile since you are not interested in ANY of the matches you've been sent...) After the first week or so, they send you a match maybe once every two weeks. If that. And then there's the "communication process" where you or a potential match send each other 3 short answer questions. Most of them are really deep like, "What's your favorite color?" And then, you can move on to sending each other lists of things that you "Must Have" (like a sense of humor) and "Can't Stand" (like bad hygiene). After that, you move on to 3 long answer questions. These are where you really get somewhere. After that, if you're both still into each other, you can send e-mails through "the harm" or get really crazy and give each other your phone numbers. The whole process can take a really long time, especially if one or the other of you doesn't check your profile every day. I'm not sure if you could pick up on my cynical attitude, but I'm over "the harm". I know it "works" for some people, but it's not for me. I can't believe I spent money on that. Shoulda bought that cute purse instead...
And then there's plentyoffish, or POF. This is free. Which means there are a lot of freaky people on it. Which is why I didn't post my photo at first. I was thinking, "hey, my profile blurb speaks about what kind of person I am. And that's what really counts. Stellar guys will be drawn to my profile because of how awesome I sound." Plus, I didn't really have a good photo of myself.
POF doesn't send you specific matches. You get access to every single guy who's on the site. They'll make a couple recommendations, and let you narrow it down to location and age and stuff like that though. You can send messages to people you find interesting. There's a "Meet Me" feature which is very much like shopping. You're presented with a guy's profile and you have to answer the question "Would you like to meet this guy?" with Yes, Maybe, or No. If you hit Yes or Maybe, POF sends an e-mail to that guy and lets him know you're interested in him. There's no "communication process," you just go for it.
For a month or so, I didn't get much of a response to my photo-less profile. I figured it was just me. But, it turns out, there wasn't anything wrong with my profile. I mean, I am awesome. Awkward, yes, but also awesome. It was just that I didn't really understand how guys work. (For the record, I still don't.) Then, I finally uploaded a photo or two. Nothing freaky had happened, so I figured it couldn't hurt. Turns out everything you've ever heard about guys being visual beings is true. All of a sudden, it was like BA-BAM! These guys started sending me messages saying things like, "gorgeous" and "beautiful" and "nice smile" and I was like, "Yes! I'm hot!" Ok, not really. Well, maybe.
Besides the boobilicious comment (I deleted his message and blocked him, by the way), my other favorite comment has been: "Why don't you put a bottle of Stoli in the freezer now so it's cold when I get there." I just laughed when I read that one. Seriously? Does that work for some girls? (I had to look up Stoli. It's vodka. Strike two!)
A lot of guys post photos of themselves without shirts on. It's always a picture taken with their phone in the bathroom mirror. Most of these photos are really awkward. I mean, I guess maybe they're trying to communicate their regard for a physically healthy lifestyle. But, I think most of them are really trying to say, "This is what I look like. And I want a girl who makes this look even better. Hotties only, please."
You also have to create a headline for your profile. Most of them are pretty tame and pretty lame like, "Looking for a sweet girl". But there are a few that just make you wonder.... Such as, "Looking for a warm woman" and "Looking for that raw animal magnatism" (his spelling)
This was taken directly from one guy's profile:
So, to summarize, you should be:
1. Smokin' hot,
2. Smart,
3. Funny, and
4. Silly enough to fall for my tricks and shenanigans. If you're also loaded, or have some great job, or you're going to inherit a big pile of money, or at least start counterfeiting, thats a bonus. But, genuinely, I would rather be poor and happy with my smokin' hot nympho lady friend than loaded and miserable... with my smokin' hot nympho lady friend. Because number five is
5. You should have a healthy libido. I do. So if you don't... assume that will be a problem.
Good to know! To be fair, there are some guys that are probably pretty great. I haven't actually gone out with any one yet. I'm still not even sure I want to do that. I've "talked" to a few guys. Because of the potential for this to be a freak fest, I'm pretty cautious. Maybe a date or two will come of it, and I kind of hope it will be the kind of date that is awkward, just so I can write about it. I'll keep you posted.
P.S. I'd actually recommend that you set up a POF profile for yourself. Even if you're not single. Just create a fake e-mail account, don't upload a photo (unless you're really brave), and just check what's out there. You will laugh. You will be in awe. You will even feel pity for some of those poor fools. But, you will definitely be entertained.
Before I share a few more awkward encounters, let me explain how on-line dating works. When I decided to give this a shot at the beginning of the summer, I got on eHarmony because there was some kind of special discount for the summer. Sweet. Then, I figured I'd try one of the free dating websites. Why not? It's free. So I created a profile on plentyoffish. So here's the deal--for both sites, you have to take a personality test of sorts, then you write a blurb or two about yourself. Basically, you try to make yourself sound better than you are, but in a totally authentic way. Then, if you choose to, you can upload a photo or two.
Here's how eHarmony, or "the harm", as I prefer to call it, works. They match your profile up with potential guys and then they send you like 20 matches or so on the first day. It's kind of overwhelming, but you think, "Wow! There are so many guys out there!" and you're encouraged. Until you start looking at their profiles and you realize that most of them are almost 40 and live in small towns in Missouri. (Then you start wondering what is wrong with you and where you messed up on your personality profile since you are not interested in ANY of the matches you've been sent...) After the first week or so, they send you a match maybe once every two weeks. If that. And then there's the "communication process" where you or a potential match send each other 3 short answer questions. Most of them are really deep like, "What's your favorite color?" And then, you can move on to sending each other lists of things that you "Must Have" (like a sense of humor) and "Can't Stand" (like bad hygiene). After that, you move on to 3 long answer questions. These are where you really get somewhere. After that, if you're both still into each other, you can send e-mails through "the harm" or get really crazy and give each other your phone numbers. The whole process can take a really long time, especially if one or the other of you doesn't check your profile every day. I'm not sure if you could pick up on my cynical attitude, but I'm over "the harm". I know it "works" for some people, but it's not for me. I can't believe I spent money on that. Shoulda bought that cute purse instead...
And then there's plentyoffish, or POF. This is free. Which means there are a lot of freaky people on it. Which is why I didn't post my photo at first. I was thinking, "hey, my profile blurb speaks about what kind of person I am. And that's what really counts. Stellar guys will be drawn to my profile because of how awesome I sound." Plus, I didn't really have a good photo of myself.
POF doesn't send you specific matches. You get access to every single guy who's on the site. They'll make a couple recommendations, and let you narrow it down to location and age and stuff like that though. You can send messages to people you find interesting. There's a "Meet Me" feature which is very much like shopping. You're presented with a guy's profile and you have to answer the question "Would you like to meet this guy?" with Yes, Maybe, or No. If you hit Yes or Maybe, POF sends an e-mail to that guy and lets him know you're interested in him. There's no "communication process," you just go for it.
For a month or so, I didn't get much of a response to my photo-less profile. I figured it was just me. But, it turns out, there wasn't anything wrong with my profile. I mean, I am awesome. Awkward, yes, but also awesome. It was just that I didn't really understand how guys work. (For the record, I still don't.) Then, I finally uploaded a photo or two. Nothing freaky had happened, so I figured it couldn't hurt. Turns out everything you've ever heard about guys being visual beings is true. All of a sudden, it was like BA-BAM! These guys started sending me messages saying things like, "gorgeous" and "beautiful" and "nice smile" and I was like, "Yes! I'm hot!" Ok, not really. Well, maybe.
Besides the boobilicious comment (I deleted his message and blocked him, by the way), my other favorite comment has been: "Why don't you put a bottle of Stoli in the freezer now so it's cold when I get there." I just laughed when I read that one. Seriously? Does that work for some girls? (I had to look up Stoli. It's vodka. Strike two!)
A lot of guys post photos of themselves without shirts on. It's always a picture taken with their phone in the bathroom mirror. Most of these photos are really awkward. I mean, I guess maybe they're trying to communicate their regard for a physically healthy lifestyle. But, I think most of them are really trying to say, "This is what I look like. And I want a girl who makes this look even better. Hotties only, please."
You also have to create a headline for your profile. Most of them are pretty tame and pretty lame like, "Looking for a sweet girl". But there are a few that just make you wonder.... Such as, "Looking for a warm woman" and "Looking for that raw animal magnatism" (his spelling)
This was taken directly from one guy's profile:
So, to summarize, you should be:
1. Smokin' hot,
2. Smart,
3. Funny, and
4. Silly enough to fall for my tricks and shenanigans. If you're also loaded, or have some great job, or you're going to inherit a big pile of money, or at least start counterfeiting, thats a bonus. But, genuinely, I would rather be poor and happy with my smokin' hot nympho lady friend than loaded and miserable... with my smokin' hot nympho lady friend. Because number five is
5. You should have a healthy libido. I do. So if you don't... assume that will be a problem.
Good to know! To be fair, there are some guys that are probably pretty great. I haven't actually gone out with any one yet. I'm still not even sure I want to do that. I've "talked" to a few guys. Because of the potential for this to be a freak fest, I'm pretty cautious. Maybe a date or two will come of it, and I kind of hope it will be the kind of date that is awkward, just so I can write about it. I'll keep you posted.
P.S. I'd actually recommend that you set up a POF profile for yourself. Even if you're not single. Just create a fake e-mail account, don't upload a photo (unless you're really brave), and just check what's out there. You will laugh. You will be in awe. You will even feel pity for some of those poor fools. But, you will definitely be entertained.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Part 2: "You're single?" [awkward pause, pity in the eyes] "Have you tried on-line dating?"
Yes, I have tried on-line dating, but it is not something I've made public knowledge because I feel incredibly awkward about it. (What will people think me? That I'm desperate? That I have no other options?) But what I've found is that on-line dating is....awkward. (Get ready for some good stories...)
The first time I tried on-line dating was probably about 4 or 5 years ago. I had just spent a good part of Christmas vacation at home with my mom and dad. Probably too much time. Anyway, when I'd watch TV with Dad, anytime one of those cheesy eHarmony commercials would come on, he would look at me and say something like, "Have you thought about trying that? Looks like it works. Plus, it might be fun, kind of like shopping." Kind of like shopping?? Yeah, awkward shopping. Shopping for a mate, might as well sign me up for a mail-order bride service. Geez, Dad. "I'm just saying, if I was single and your age, that's where I'd be."
So, I decided to humor him. I signed up without telling him. I think I told a grand total of 3 people. And the outcome of my 2 month stint on eHarmony was 2 dates with a guy who played "Let's Make a Deal" on our 2nd date by wrapping up little gifts and I could choose to answer questions or unwrap the presents. To be fair, it was a clever idea and if we'd be dating for say, at least longer than a month, it could have been romantic. But. It was our 2nd date and we were in a restaurant where the waitress kept looking at us like we were nuts. And I didn't grow up with a TV, so I didn't know anything about this so-called-game "Let's Make a Deal". And I would have answered his questions without the game. Like, we could have had a regular conversation? And he worked in radio, so every time he asked me a question, I felt like I was being interviewed on-air. And then he kissed my hand in the parking lot. My hand. It was so awkward. Again, could have been a romantic gesture. But we'd just had an awkward Let's Make a Deal date. And we were in a parking lot. A parking lot. And that's about the time when I decided this on-line dating thing was not for me.
Honestly, it was less about the awkward date thing--in retrospect, that was kind of fun and made for an awesome story. But, I just felt like there was this unauthentic intimacy about the whole thing. You try to encapsulate your being, your essence on a profile page and you're judging the being, the essence of someone else based on their page. A few e-mails back and forth and you feel like you "really" know the person, but you've never met them in person, you've never heard their voice. It just felt so misleading, so false. Like you could make the decision about whether or not you would spend the rest of your life with someone on your first date. There was so much intimate knowledge, and yet such a lack of quality time and depth.
My second venture into the world of on-line dating began in June.
The first time I tried on-line dating was probably about 4 or 5 years ago. I had just spent a good part of Christmas vacation at home with my mom and dad. Probably too much time. Anyway, when I'd watch TV with Dad, anytime one of those cheesy eHarmony commercials would come on, he would look at me and say something like, "Have you thought about trying that? Looks like it works. Plus, it might be fun, kind of like shopping." Kind of like shopping?? Yeah, awkward shopping. Shopping for a mate, might as well sign me up for a mail-order bride service. Geez, Dad. "I'm just saying, if I was single and your age, that's where I'd be."
So, I decided to humor him. I signed up without telling him. I think I told a grand total of 3 people. And the outcome of my 2 month stint on eHarmony was 2 dates with a guy who played "Let's Make a Deal" on our 2nd date by wrapping up little gifts and I could choose to answer questions or unwrap the presents. To be fair, it was a clever idea and if we'd be dating for say, at least longer than a month, it could have been romantic. But. It was our 2nd date and we were in a restaurant where the waitress kept looking at us like we were nuts. And I didn't grow up with a TV, so I didn't know anything about this so-called-game "Let's Make a Deal". And I would have answered his questions without the game. Like, we could have had a regular conversation? And he worked in radio, so every time he asked me a question, I felt like I was being interviewed on-air. And then he kissed my hand in the parking lot. My hand. It was so awkward. Again, could have been a romantic gesture. But we'd just had an awkward Let's Make a Deal date. And we were in a parking lot. A parking lot. And that's about the time when I decided this on-line dating thing was not for me.
Honestly, it was less about the awkward date thing--in retrospect, that was kind of fun and made for an awesome story. But, I just felt like there was this unauthentic intimacy about the whole thing. You try to encapsulate your being, your essence on a profile page and you're judging the being, the essence of someone else based on their page. A few e-mails back and forth and you feel like you "really" know the person, but you've never met them in person, you've never heard their voice. It just felt so misleading, so false. Like you could make the decision about whether or not you would spend the rest of your life with someone on your first date. There was so much intimate knowledge, and yet such a lack of quality time and depth.
My second venture into the world of on-line dating began in June.
"You're single? Oh." [awkward pause, pity in the eyes] "Have you ever tried on-line dating?"
Uh...[awkward pause] well....uh...yep. I have tried on-line dating. It's awkward. So, of course, it merits a blog post.
First of all, you should know that this awkward moment has actually been an awkward phase of life in general, so it's brought to you in a 4 part series. This first post is kind of raw, very vulnerable, but totally authentic. I hope that you laugh at parts of this post (I did), and at other parts, you may actually feel pity or empathy, or a strange mixture of the two. Just remember that this post isn't the end of the awkward moment. It actually turns out quite hopeful (but this blog is about embracing the awkward, right? Even if the painfully awkward moments.)
So here's the deal: I am single. My feelings about this relational status vary depending on the day. Some days I relish the freedom that comes with being single. Some days it makes me very lonely. Some days it makes me hyper critical and frustrated.
Most of friends are married. In my family, the only other girl who isn't married is my cousin--she's in high school. Granted, there are more boys in my family... The oldest boy who isn't in a serious relationship is in 7th grade. One well meaning adult told me, "I'm sorry. I feel like this [my being single] is my fault. If only I had prayed harder or prayed more." Ouch. People say things like, "Honestly, I just don't understand why you're single." Honestly, I don't either.
(Side note: I do not want to discourage people from praying for me regarding future marriage and a future husband. I welcome prayer! Pray as you feel led.)
When I am in my relishing the freedom of singleness state, I like that I can do what I want, when I want. I can be completely selfish with my time and other resources. I don't have to check in with a spouse before going to coffee with a friend. I don't have to find a babysitter to go see a movie. I don't have to manage Christmases with two (or more) families.
When I am in the loneliness state of being single, I dread going to weddings because all I want is to have someone that will walk in with me and hold my hand. I hate making major life decisions all alone--I just want someone to walk through them with me. I hate scraping the ice off my windshield, shoveling my own driveway, and fixing my car. I hate Valentine's Day and all the days preceding and following when people ask you about your "big" plans. I dread extended family functions because I feel like the black sheep. I dread the question, "Are you dating anyone yet?" (For the record, I don't mind people asking me about my relational status, and actually feel cared for when close friends talk about this issue with me. However, when someone that I don't know well or haven't seen in ages comes up and the first question they ask me is about my dating life...well, I just try to change the subject quickly.)
When I am in my hyper critical state, I mostly think the reason I am single is because I am not thin enough. Or not pretty enough. Or my nose is too big. Or my thighs are too thunderous. Or I'm not smart enough. Too laid back. Too quiet. Too nerdy and awkward? Maybe I'm not persistent enough in prayer. Maybe I don't trust God enough. Or maybe I'm just too critical? I think we are generally the most critical of ourselves. The only person more critical of us would be our mothers, right?
Recently, I believe I'm single because I'm unapproachable due to a lack of confidence. (The Lord is revealing and healing a lot in this area, but that's a different story.) I don't notice when a guy might be interested at me because I'm not looking around. I'm looking down, paralyzed by my own perceived inadequacies. And why would a guy approach a girl who doesn't seem remotely interested? A friend and I recently determined to practice making eye contact and smiling at guys. This sounds like the simplest, easiest thing, right? It terrifies me. I'm so awkward about it. (You can pray about that, too.)
And as far as me approaching a guy? Forgetaboutit! Here's an inner conversation:
Brazen Self (confident woman): See that guy over there, he's cute. Go talk to him.
Scared-shitless Self (unconfident girl): No!
BS: Why not?
SS: Because then he might think I like him!
BS: Isn't that the point?
SS: But what if he doesn't like me?
BS: How will you know if you don't talk to him? Plus, what's not to like?
SS: My hair is frizzy, my face is too shiny, my thighs rub together when I walk, I can't concentrate on what he's saying because I'm thinking about what will happen if I accidentally raise my arms and my shirt lifts up enough to reveal my muffin-top...
SS: Plus, I can tell by powerful and keen observations that this is not a man I could marry.
BS: Who said anything about marriage? How do you get to marriage from just talking to a guy? Slow down, sister.
SS: I'm a horrible conversationalist. What would I talk about?
BS: Does it matter?
And so, because I wanted to grow in confidence and because I felt I had heard the phrase, "Have you tried on-line dating? It worked for my sister's friend's cousin!" too many times, I decided to give it a try this summer. I just didn't tell anyone (until now) because it's....well...awkward.
First of all, you should know that this awkward moment has actually been an awkward phase of life in general, so it's brought to you in a 4 part series. This first post is kind of raw, very vulnerable, but totally authentic. I hope that you laugh at parts of this post (I did), and at other parts, you may actually feel pity or empathy, or a strange mixture of the two. Just remember that this post isn't the end of the awkward moment. It actually turns out quite hopeful (but this blog is about embracing the awkward, right? Even if the painfully awkward moments.)
So here's the deal: I am single. My feelings about this relational status vary depending on the day. Some days I relish the freedom that comes with being single. Some days it makes me very lonely. Some days it makes me hyper critical and frustrated.
Most of friends are married. In my family, the only other girl who isn't married is my cousin--she's in high school. Granted, there are more boys in my family... The oldest boy who isn't in a serious relationship is in 7th grade. One well meaning adult told me, "I'm sorry. I feel like this [my being single] is my fault. If only I had prayed harder or prayed more." Ouch. People say things like, "Honestly, I just don't understand why you're single." Honestly, I don't either.
(Side note: I do not want to discourage people from praying for me regarding future marriage and a future husband. I welcome prayer! Pray as you feel led.)
When I am in my relishing the freedom of singleness state, I like that I can do what I want, when I want. I can be completely selfish with my time and other resources. I don't have to check in with a spouse before going to coffee with a friend. I don't have to find a babysitter to go see a movie. I don't have to manage Christmases with two (or more) families.
When I am in the loneliness state of being single, I dread going to weddings because all I want is to have someone that will walk in with me and hold my hand. I hate making major life decisions all alone--I just want someone to walk through them with me. I hate scraping the ice off my windshield, shoveling my own driveway, and fixing my car. I hate Valentine's Day and all the days preceding and following when people ask you about your "big" plans. I dread extended family functions because I feel like the black sheep. I dread the question, "Are you dating anyone yet?" (For the record, I don't mind people asking me about my relational status, and actually feel cared for when close friends talk about this issue with me. However, when someone that I don't know well or haven't seen in ages comes up and the first question they ask me is about my dating life...well, I just try to change the subject quickly.)
When I am in my hyper critical state, I mostly think the reason I am single is because I am not thin enough. Or not pretty enough. Or my nose is too big. Or my thighs are too thunderous. Or I'm not smart enough. Too laid back. Too quiet. Too nerdy and awkward? Maybe I'm not persistent enough in prayer. Maybe I don't trust God enough. Or maybe I'm just too critical? I think we are generally the most critical of ourselves. The only person more critical of us would be our mothers, right?
Recently, I believe I'm single because I'm unapproachable due to a lack of confidence. (The Lord is revealing and healing a lot in this area, but that's a different story.) I don't notice when a guy might be interested at me because I'm not looking around. I'm looking down, paralyzed by my own perceived inadequacies. And why would a guy approach a girl who doesn't seem remotely interested? A friend and I recently determined to practice making eye contact and smiling at guys. This sounds like the simplest, easiest thing, right? It terrifies me. I'm so awkward about it. (You can pray about that, too.)
And as far as me approaching a guy? Forgetaboutit! Here's an inner conversation:
Brazen Self (confident woman): See that guy over there, he's cute. Go talk to him.
Scared-shitless Self (unconfident girl): No!
BS: Why not?
SS: Because then he might think I like him!
BS: Isn't that the point?
SS: But what if he doesn't like me?
BS: How will you know if you don't talk to him? Plus, what's not to like?
SS: My hair is frizzy, my face is too shiny, my thighs rub together when I walk, I can't concentrate on what he's saying because I'm thinking about what will happen if I accidentally raise my arms and my shirt lifts up enough to reveal my muffin-top...
SS: Plus, I can tell by powerful and keen observations that this is not a man I could marry.
BS: Who said anything about marriage? How do you get to marriage from just talking to a guy? Slow down, sister.
SS: I'm a horrible conversationalist. What would I talk about?
BS: Does it matter?
And so, because I wanted to grow in confidence and because I felt I had heard the phrase, "Have you tried on-line dating? It worked for my sister's friend's cousin!" too many times, I decided to give it a try this summer. I just didn't tell anyone (until now) because it's....well...awkward.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
my students love me in all my awkward glory
I asked my students to fill out a reflection at the end of the year. I just now read some of them. (I realized a while ago that I should never read reflections on the last day of school because at that point, I am sodonewithschool and just don't care.)
Here are a couple responses that made me laugh or just plain melted my heart. (Just ignore the spelling mistakes...[insert sarcasm] after all, they're only high school students...)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"You remind me of potatoes" and other awkward birthday games
I went to a birthday party where all the guests were to bring a dish that reminded them of the birthday girl instead of bringing gifts. Then, before we ate from the potluck feast, we went around and each guest explained why he or she had selected their particular dish.
First of all, it takes a very secure person to have a party like this. Who knows what some people might say? "I brought this pizza because it reminds me of your face in middle school." or "I brought potato salad because it smells just like your feet." Hopefully not.
Once, at a women's retreat, we played a game where you had to say what animal the girl next to you resembled. "You look like a cow. But, a cute one!" It's a bad idea. Almost every girl followed up her animal reference with "a cute one". (For the record, I think someone told me a looked like a horse because I have a long face a big teeth. And I think I told someone they looked like a panda. A cute one, of course.)
There are definitely some people that remind me of animals. There was a girl in high school who I always thought looked like a camel just because she had really long eye-lashes and kind of a stubby little nose. But I'd never tell her that! And then I have an athlete who sort of looks like a tree frog when he jumps. His arms and legs go sprawling out, fingers spread wide, and he sticks out his tongue. (I did tell him that I thought he looked like a tree frog, but felt bad afterwards even though he laughed.)
But, the birthday party game was a success. The birthday girl (BG) loves to cook and she had all kinds of new dishes and old favorites to sample and savor. People told stories about times they remembered cooking with BG. BG loves vegetables, so there were many vegetable dishes with explanations of why particular veggies were selected. She is also from Wisconsin, so various cheeses were a reminder of BG's cultural background. Guests were really creative and it was fun to try new things. What could have been awkward ended up being edifying and fun.
First of all, it takes a very secure person to have a party like this. Who knows what some people might say? "I brought this pizza because it reminds me of your face in middle school." or "I brought potato salad because it smells just like your feet." Hopefully not.
Once, at a women's retreat, we played a game where you had to say what animal the girl next to you resembled. "You look like a cow. But, a cute one!" It's a bad idea. Almost every girl followed up her animal reference with "a cute one". (For the record, I think someone told me a looked like a horse because I have a long face a big teeth. And I think I told someone they looked like a panda. A cute one, of course.)
There are definitely some people that remind me of animals. There was a girl in high school who I always thought looked like a camel just because she had really long eye-lashes and kind of a stubby little nose. But I'd never tell her that! And then I have an athlete who sort of looks like a tree frog when he jumps. His arms and legs go sprawling out, fingers spread wide, and he sticks out his tongue. (I did tell him that I thought he looked like a tree frog, but felt bad afterwards even though he laughed.)
But, the birthday party game was a success. The birthday girl (BG) loves to cook and she had all kinds of new dishes and old favorites to sample and savor. People told stories about times they remembered cooking with BG. BG loves vegetables, so there were many vegetable dishes with explanations of why particular veggies were selected. She is also from Wisconsin, so various cheeses were a reminder of BG's cultural background. Guests were really creative and it was fun to try new things. What could have been awkward ended up being edifying and fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)