Part 3: "You're single?" [awkward pause, pity in the eyes] "Have you thought about on-line dating?"

"Hey Boobilicious."  What??  Well, that's one of the messages I've received during my on-line dating adventure.  On-line dating is awkward.

Before I share a few more awkward encounters, let me explain how on-line dating works.  When I decided to give this a shot at the beginning of the summer, I got on eHarmony because there was some kind of special discount for the summer.  Sweet.  Then, I figured I'd try one of the free dating websites.  Why not?  It's free.  So I created a profile on plentyoffish.  So here's the deal--for both sites, you have to take a personality test of sorts, then you write a blurb or two about yourself.  Basically, you try to make yourself sound better than you are, but in a totally authentic way.  Then, if you choose to, you can upload a photo or two.

Here's how eHarmony, or "the harm", as I prefer to call it, works.  They match your profile up with potential guys and then they send you like 20 matches or so on the first day.  It's kind of overwhelming, but you think, "Wow!  There are so many guys out there!" and you're encouraged.  Until you start looking at their profiles and you realize that most of them are almost 40 and live in small towns in Missouri.  (Then you start wondering what is wrong with you and where you messed up on your personality profile since you are not interested in ANY of the matches you've been sent...)  After the first week or so, they send you a match maybe once every two weeks.  If that.  And then there's the "communication process" where you or a potential match send each other 3 short answer questions.  Most of them are really deep like, "What's your favorite color?" And then, you can move on to sending each other lists of things that you "Must Have" (like a sense of humor) and "Can't Stand" (like bad hygiene).  After that, you move on to 3 long answer questions.  These are where you really get somewhere.  After that, if you're both still into each other, you can send e-mails through "the harm" or get really crazy and give each other your phone numbers.  The whole process can take a really long time, especially if one or the other of you doesn't check your profile every day.  I'm not sure if you could pick up on my cynical attitude, but I'm over "the harm".  I know it "works" for some people, but it's not for me.  I can't believe I spent money on that.  Shoulda bought that cute purse instead...

And then there's plentyoffish, or POF.  This is free.  Which means there are a lot of freaky people on it.  Which is why I didn't post my photo at first.  I was thinking, "hey, my profile blurb speaks about what kind of person I am.  And that's what really counts.  Stellar guys will be drawn to my profile because of how awesome I sound."  Plus, I didn't really have a good photo of myself.

POF doesn't send you specific matches.  You get access to every single guy who's on the site.  They'll make a couple recommendations, and let you narrow it down to location and age and stuff like that though.  You can send messages to people you find interesting. There's a "Meet Me" feature which is very much like shopping.  You're presented with a guy's profile and you have to answer the question "Would you like to meet this guy?" with Yes, Maybe, or No.  If you hit Yes or Maybe, POF sends an e-mail to that guy and lets him know you're interested in him.  There's no "communication process," you just go for it.

For a month or so, I didn't get much of a response to my photo-less profile.  I figured it was just me.  But, it turns out, there wasn't anything wrong with my profile.  I mean, I am awesome.  Awkward, yes, but also awesome.  It was just that I didn't really understand how guys work. (For the record, I still don't.)  Then, I finally uploaded a photo or two.  Nothing freaky had happened, so I figured it couldn't hurt.  Turns out everything you've ever heard about guys being visual beings is true.  All of a sudden, it was like BA-BAM!  These guys started sending me messages saying things like, "gorgeous" and "beautiful" and "nice smile" and I was like, "Yes!  I'm hot!"  Ok, not really.  Well, maybe.

Besides the boobilicious comment (I deleted his message and blocked him, by the way), my other favorite comment has been:  "Why don't you put a bottle of Stoli in the freezer now so it's cold when I get there."  I just laughed when I read that one.  Seriously?  Does that work for some girls?  (I had to look up Stoli.  It's vodka.  Strike two!)

A lot of guys post photos of themselves without shirts on.  It's always a picture taken with their phone in the bathroom mirror.  Most of these photos are really awkward.  I mean, I guess maybe they're trying to communicate their regard for a physically healthy lifestyle.  But, I think most of them are really trying to say, "This is what I look like.  And I want a girl who makes this look even better.  Hotties only, please."

You also have to create a headline for your profile.  Most of them are pretty tame and pretty lame like, "Looking for a sweet girl".  But there are a few that just make you wonder.... Such as, "Looking for a warm woman" and "Looking for that raw animal magnatism"  (his spelling)

This was taken directly from one guy's profile:
So, to summarize, you should be:
1. Smokin' hot,
2. Smart,
3. Funny, and
4. Silly enough to fall for my tricks and shenanigans. If you're also loaded, or have some great job, or you're going to inherit a big pile of money, or at least start counterfeiting, thats a bonus. But, genuinely, I would rather be poor and happy with my smokin' hot nympho lady friend than loaded and miserable... with my smokin' hot nympho lady friend. Because number five is
5. You should have a healthy libido. I do. So if you don't... assume that will be a problem.

Good to know!  To be fair, there are some guys that are probably pretty great.  I haven't actually gone out with any one yet.  I'm still not even sure I want to do that.  I've "talked" to a few guys.  Because of the potential for this to be a freak fest, I'm pretty cautious.  Maybe a date or two will come of it, and I kind of hope it will be the kind of date that is awkward, just so I can write about it.  I'll keep you posted.

P.S.  I'd actually recommend that you set up a POF profile for yourself.  Even if you're not single.  Just create a fake e-mail account, don't upload a photo (unless you're really brave), and just check what's out there.  You will laugh.  You will be in awe.  You will even feel pity for some of those poor fools.  But, you will definitely be entertained.