Parents and Teachers and Conferences

My very first year teaching, one of my colleagues was attacked by a parent.  It was a vicious verbal assault by a woman with very few teeth and an even lower IQ.  Even still, my colleague was in tears by the time it was over and I spent a long time in the back hallway consoling and affirming her.

In the six years following that incident, I anticipate parent/teacher conferences with dread.  I spend late nights at school trying to catch up on grading so I can present the most accurate and up-to-date grade report for each kid, I scour my closet for an ensemble that makes me look like a professional and yet doesn't make me look like I'm trying too hard, and I pray a lot.  And ask my friends to pray.

In the seven years I have been teaching, I have never had a bad conference.  (Thank you Lord!)  Despite my record, I still get nervous.  Conferences bring out every insecurity.  I'm afraid that parents will find out that I'm actually a terrible teacher.  That they'll call me out for being constantly behind in grading.  That they'll realize I actually have no idea what I'm teaching next week.  Maybe it's my people-pleasing nature or my fear of failure.

However, I have learned several things that make my conferences go well.
1.  It's not about me.  It's about their kid.  Keep the focus on the kid's performance, not on mine.
2.  Focus on what's going well--point out the good things their kid is doing.  If things aren't going well, have a solution or two ready to share.
3.  Most parents actually dread conferences as much as I do.  We both have a fear of failure--as an educator, or as a parent.  So, if I can do anything to affirm them as parents, it helps.
4. Have a grade sheet and an info sheet (stuff like upcoming assignments, etc.)  It seems that parents like papers, especially papers that give them insight into the future.  It gives them something to look at and something to write on.  It's like a little security blanket.  Plus, it gives me something to talk about and keeps the conference moving along.
5. Keep it short.  Most parents don't want to sit there forever talking about their kid. They have 6 other teachers to see!

There are some things parents do that make the conference go well:
1.  They are nice to me.  I cannot hear "We really appreciate what you do for our child" or "My son/daughter really loves your class!" enough.  It's shameless.
2. They treat me like a real person with a real life instead of a robot that only exists to teach their son/daughter English.
3.  They know when to leave.  I have had some conferences where the parent wants to analyze every single assignment--especially every F or D (or in extreme cases, every B).  Or the parent who wants to tell me about their personal life or about last year's English teacher, or their oldest child who is now uber-successful.  I'm a great listener, but seriously...it's not the right time!

The best thing about conferences is that my teacher friends are nearby.  Our conferences are all in the commons, so our tables are just a few feet away from each other.  If we notice a conference taking a downward spiral, we can help each other out.  We can keep each other entertained if things get slow. For example, we play conference BINGO.  Here are a few sample card spaces:
1.  Very obvious surgical enhancements
2. Parent begins conference and then realized you aren't the right teacher
3. Parent gets a phone call or text during the conference
4. Parent is also a teacher and better than you
5. Parent wears a suit and tie (clearly showing who has more power)
6. Mom dresses like daughter
7. Parent complains about another teacher this year or compares you to last year's teacher
8. Parent cries or tears up at some point during the conference
9. Parent says "All this work will be made up by Monday"
10.  Parent says, "English wasn't my best subject either"
11.  Parent has a mullet
12.  Mom/Dad is super hot
(For the record, this time I got #2, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Conferences are also an excellent place to people watch.  This year, there was this mom who we dubbed "Pigtails".  She was a sight!  Bleach-blonde hair in pigtails (we debated whether or not her hair was real), very low-cut white sweater with glitter lotion all over her upper chest and neck, cell phone stuck in her bra strap, tight jeans tucked into her white high-heel boots, probably in her late '40s.  I was sad that her son isn't in my class--I would have loved to write about our certain-to-be-awkward conference!

This post wouldn't be complete if I didn't include at least one awkward conference.  So, I'll tell you about "Ronnie's" dad.  I'd never met him before, so it was a little weird when came up to my table and said in a simpering voice, "So you're the English teacher. Well, you'll have to guess who I am."  It felt like a bad pick-up line.  He put out a very strong creeper vibe.  All through the conference, I kept noticing his long and very manicured fingernails because he kept drumming them on the table.  And I thought, Either he does drugs or he keeps a little Asian lady locked up somewhere to do his nails.  The whole time, I tried to keep a very business-like approach and tried to avoid eye contact.  He would do the lingering eye thing.  You know, where someone holds your gaze and you feel like they're trying to communicate with their eyes more than with their mouth.  Sometimes that's hot.  But at a parent/teacher conference, it's just creepy.  Finally, we wrapped up our chat and stood up to seal the conference with a handshake.  Except it wasn't a handshake.  He was holding my hand.  And he wasn't letting go.  Just kept holding it while he finished what he was saying.  When he finally let go, I had to catch myself from the involuntary recoil shrug.  So awkward!